Give Yourself A Gift This Year

Holidays can be difficult. Family interactions, old wounds and resentments arise. Grief for what isn’t or who isn’t there. It’s also a great time to reflect on what really matters to you. To begin to set into place plans for the New Year. To not exhaust yourself trying to please everyone else.

Nearly every day it seems I see or hear “I just want to be happy” or “When this happens, I’ll be happy” or “Why can’t I be happy all the time?”. Have you ever considered that happy all the time is an unrealistic goal? Happiness or joy is a core emotion, and like all emotions, we are not able to feel it constantly. Life would be rather boring if we did. What if we begin to look for wellness, balance, and/or good enough instead of striving for unrealistic expectations that we use to continue justifying feeling bad about? What if we look for the brief moments that come that you’re not sad; the glimmers or sparks of contentment, joy, or awe of looking at a sparkly lights on a tree, the smell of cinnamon or evergreens. The night sky full of stars. No matter the situation, we can look for what keeps us where we are or do something different.

“But I want to be whole!” Keep reading for why being “whole” is unrealistic for you already are whole, complete, and good enough! Give yourself a gift this year and into the next.

What is wellness?

Wellness is typically defined as a concept of ‘being well/good’ and as a therapist, I like to think wellness includes physical, mental, social, and even spiritual health by reducing unrealistic expectations that we as humans tend to set upon ourselves or project onto others. Wellness is flexible and good enough. We can bring wellness into our jobs, our relationships, and the day-to-day mundane tasks that require our attention.

Physical wellness may mean you walk daily or your health is optimized. Nutrition is included in wellness and affects your physical health. If you eat junk, you likely feel like junk. Mental health is also affected and fed by your physical health and nutrition. If you’re feeling stressed, try going for a quick walk on your break, then look for solutions to the problem. Community wellness means having some supports in your life. A close friend, joining an activity, etc. Co-regulation and support is so important for sharing your joys and your struggles. Finally, spirituality is deeply personal. It’s important to ensure our values are aligning with our beliefs and are we acting in accordingly?

How Do I Get There?

Shift Your Mindset

Notice your judgement statements. This includes trying to find out “why”. Each time you tell yourself that you’re not good enough, you’re keeping yourself from moving forward. Essentially, staying in the same cycle of survival that you needed in your past, but may not be needed today. Old patterns of thinking and focusing on ‘why’ keeps us fixated on the past, something that we cannot change.

• The words you use may be limiting or boxing yourself in. If you’ve been told you aren’t good at math, then adopt that thought, you don’t give yourself an opportunity to learn and grow. It’s comparing yourself to your past or a future that isn’t here and ultimately shaming yourself every time you use the word ‘should’ or that limiting belief.

Just because a feeling or thought pattern is familiar, doesn’t make it true. Ruminative thoughts take you down a familiar past: shaming, blaming, and self-criticizing and because it’s familiar, it must be true. ‘If I can just solve what I did wrong then or why it happened, I can change it. If it happened in the past, it must be happening now.’ These thoughts keep you where you are. You don’t suddenly discover why that person was a jerk, or this one violated your trust, or even why you made a choice you did by being more critical. Criticism leads your nervous system to shift towards self-protection and when you’re in self-protection or a sympathetic nervous state, you are not operating from a place where your brain is able to utilize all the executive functions.

• Each moment is an opportunity to choose differently. Pay attention to the brief moments of joy. The glimmers of contentment. The bits of not sad. 20-30 seconds of focusing on that moment is all that is needed to move those moments into your explicit memory. Pay attention to sensations, smells, tastes, or even what you may be hearing. Write it down as a reminder later when you feel stuck.
• Mindfulness is very helpful. Know that you are not your thoughts, nor do you act on every thought. Mindfulness is being present and in that present awareness, not judging. It’s like feeling the rain, watching the rain, but knowing you are not the rain. There are lots of great books on mindfulness, check out my book blog for some suggestions.

Get Moving

Gentle movements when you are nervous can be helpful. This will help you focus on your body and shift your mind to the present. Movement when you are down can help you shift to a different nervous state. Yoga, stretching, and tai chi are great examples.

• Add in some cardio a few times a week. Brisk walks, a jog, bike ride, etc.
• Sunshine helps. If you live in a state that is cloudy, you may be even more aware of the importance of a few minutes of sunshine.
• Spend time in nature. 5 minutes spent looking at nature can shift your nervous system.
• Think about what you eat, how can you make small shifts to incorporate some healthier, whole food options? Wellness is not about the latest diet, it’s about what is right for you.

Social

Loneliness has become an epidemic, we are more connected around the world but more disconnected in person. We are social creatures and much trauma can come from relationships. In turn, to heal this area we need positive co-regulation as well as appropriate boundaries.

• Spend some time with a close friend or work acquaintance.
• Go to a coffee shop and people watch or a library and look at a magazine. Low key, low energy events that offer co-regulation through being around other people can be just as helpful if you are an introvert.
• Look online for activities that you’re interested in and go. You’ll meet like-minded folks doing the same thing.
• Set boundaries for yourself, if you know an event will wear you out, give yourself permission to leave early. In fact, plan it.
• Think about people that you dread being around. What is it about them or the situation? Can you set boundaries? Give yourself space? Plan a reward for after an interaction? This is a good area to journal or talk to a therapist about and begin to deep dive with support.

Spirituality

• When was the last time you examined your values as compared to your spiritual beliefs? Do they still align? Are they outdated?
• Look for a book or journal that works for you and begin exploring yourself and your core beliefs?
• Get in touch with someone who has similar beliefs and study together.
• Go outside your comfort zone and explore a different belief system without judgement. This does not mean you have to agree with it, you’re simply expanding and growing your knowledge.
• Use positive self-affirmations, mantras, prayers, or verses from your religious text throughout your day to remind yourself of your goals.

Compassion

Compassion is difficult for so many people. We can offer it to others but for some reason, put up a barrier to offering it to ourselves. Think about a coach, results are most effective when the coach is encouraging not critical. That doesn’t mean you aren’t holding yourself accountable and working towards a goal. It does mean you aren’t name calling and bullying yourself.

• Start by acknowledging your emotion and how hard this is. No criticism. Then do something else. Turn on some music, dance it out. Shake it off. But keep going, keep trying. Check in with yourself and see if what you’ve done is enough? We aren’t striving for perfection. There are times when simply getting out of bed is enough and eventually we want to expand that further.

Environment

Check out who and what you are surrounding yourself with at home, at work, even in your car. If you have a lot of clutter, it can contribute to you not feeling your best. Can you donate, minimize, or clear some of it out? Start small, a drawer or table at a time and move on from there. Cleaning can be something you have control over and a quick sweeping of the floor is something you can do start to finish and see results. When you see results, you’re more likely to keep going. Can you add color if your space is dreary? Or a plant or something green? Maybe you need something calming such as a painting of water. Really look at the space you’re in and see what small shifts you can make to feel better.

• This goes for people too. If they aren’t supportive or come to you to complain, can you shift this pattern? Gently let them know to give them an opportunity to work with you. Gently examine what you are doing to contribute to this pattern.

Summary

Wellness is a lifetime of work and worth it when you really start to live and let go of that which is holding you back. Wellness comes in many shapes and sizes and may require more effort at times than others, after all, we know that the neurons that fire together, wire together. Which is to say, it’s easy to fall into old patterns and you can create new ones with repetition. While this article gives you some idea for how to start, you are in charge of what needs worked on and what wellness will look like for you. Starting this journey today gives you more opportunities to enjoy your life now, not someday, or Monday, or after the New Year. The more you practice, grow, and shift, the better you are likely to feel. Start with something small today, celebrate, and keep going!